Today’s question is:
What is Your Greatest Fear?
This is a tough question for someone like me. I’ve looked fear in the face so many times in my life. Every time I passed a new hurdle I learned that there was one less thing in this world I couldn’t live through. The last time I was truly scared was right before my surgery. The uncertainty had me literally shaking in my skin. But the morning I went in I felt pretty calm. Before that I was scared of my family. Anger, rejection, accusation- all those things terrified the spit out of me. Imagine being a grown woman, living in your own home, married, making a life for yourself, and still terrified your mother will go off on you for something you most likely didn’t do. Brain surgery cured me of that fear. It cured me of a lot of fears and shifted my focus. The awful depression I went through after surgery taught me how necessary being emotionally healthy is. I still struggle with it now, but with proper support and therapy I’m doing better.
As for what I fear now? It’s something small. At least it feels terribly insignificant compared to all the other things I have gone through. I fear that I will end up failing at life. I fear that I will fail myself, and not live up to my potential. And anyone that grew up hearing that word- potential– probably knows exactly what I mean. Our teachers and parents knew that we would excel, but as the years passed that magical moment of excellence never came. It seemed to pass us by the wayside. My private school and college education seem a complete waste of money now. I feel like a black hole my parents poured money and education into, but could never produce success. Thus not only failing them, but myself.
And while I have perfectly good excuses as to why I never fulfilled my potential- I am too sick, my body is too broken, my mind holds me back, I have very little money- none of those seem justifiable to my fear. What I truly fear is being such a failure at life that my existence becomes insignificant to myself.
What about you? What is your greatest fear?