If I can say one thing for 2020, it sure is persistent! How long have we been in this time loop, already? 87 years? I’m tired.
I haven’t written in a while because honestly there hasn’t been much to write about that most of us don’t already know about, anyway. It’s all depressing and ridiculous. Maybe there are tiny moments that have helped you not lose your faith in humanity, and I’m pretty grateful for those.
But god almighty, this year just doesn’t shut up.
I’ve been in self imposed quarantine since the beginning of March, and I’ve only left my apartment a handful of times when it was medically necessary or I needed to get medications that couldn’t be delivered to my house. At this point everything is delivered to my house. Where it is then thoroughly Lysoled upon receiving. Two of my husband’s coworker’s tested positive for the ‘rona, and he’s lucky he doesn’t get Lysoled when he gets home from work every day.
It’s not that I’m necessarily afraid of getting sick. It’s that I’m afraid of making my husband a widower. I’ve been through worse than a ventilator, and I literally died during surgery already. Death means very little to me in the grand scheme of things. But traumatizing my husband by having him watch me die and possibly having him be the one who gave it to me? That would destroy him, and I’d never be able to rest with that guilt. So I quarantine and clean, wear a mask, and do my best to keep us both positive.
Because my worst fear is leaving him behind, knowing what that would do to him. I’m not scared of getting sick. I’m scared of abandoning the man I love through no choice of my own.
And it makes me so angry when people tell me not to live in fear. Why shouldn’t I be concerned for the lives of my loved ones? Do these people not care about the well being of their families? I would throw myself in front of a speeding train for mine, but they won’t wear a mask? That’s incredibly selfish and infantile. This illness has already killed 210,000, and that number is still climbing. I’m scared for others. I don’t want more people to die or get sick.
And objectively I know that this is going to take a lot longer than a few more months to go away. Herd immunity is only a death sentence for the most vulnerable of us. And there’s no evidence that there is any immunity gained after contracting this illness, either way. It’s so frustrating that people are willing to play games with human lives out of hubris.
So I stay in my little apartment and just wait until this passes. With the shittiest governor who ever existed opening up public places and encouraging tourism. Our closest hospital is on the beach, and I’d rather bleed out after accidentally chopping off a limb than going there. Florida is at 745,000 cases, with 15,735 deaths as I write this. I wonder if DeSantis thinks that he’s winning some sort of contest? I guess he reasons that dead people can’t vote.
GO FUCKING VOTE.